What a powerful counseling session I had yesterday! I was honored and challenged to be their first session in their multi-day retreat.
Infidelity with a relative who subsequently passed. Childhood physical and sexual abuse. Porn addiction. Spouse is a therapist. Guilt and shame. Lack of empathy. To be honest, I started with some judgement. That’s when I called in the reinforcements (I always do). “Spirit come. What would you have me say?”
I rarely come across someone who says “My childhood was perfect. I didn’t have any trauma.” The upside is usually loving parents and healthy childhood. If we dig a little deeper, sometimes there can be what they believe is “normal”…no trauma, but also no connection. Also, without the grit of a challenging childhood, empathy can be a rare quality. If we are born of the womb, trauma (separation, abandonment, self-worth) is a definite possibility.
I related a story of a woman who had experienced betrayal in many of her relationships with men. It came out that in a memory when she was 3 years old that a simple, loving gesture from her grandfather (reaching out his hand to hold not only her hand but her friend’s hand), caused her mind to create a program which said “I’m not enough. Men will leave me for another.” This led to an identity with that idea and became self-fulfilling. It doesn’t have to be “trauma”. In fact, trauma/addiction expert Dr. Gabor Mate shares “Trauma is not what happens to you. It is what happens inside of you because of the traumatic experience.”
When we can come from a perspective of wonder, instead of discipline, we can come closer to healing our own selves and elevating consciousness. What made this person, who was once the infinite and eternal light of loving awareness into a predator/addict/murderer/rapist/asshole? What trauma would have needed to occur to this person to create this?
My wise friend Anthony Mtuaswa Johnson helps me to consider that I have been those things. When I accept this and see that my greatest healing is front of me in the form of another person, I finally comfort myself with unconditional love, tenderness, compassion and empathy.
The session ended with laughter and hugs. They are now loved and supported by amazing practitioners and firmly on a new path, brought about by the recent happenings in their relationship. I continue to be blessed, honored and trusted with the care of those who are experiencing the deepest of pain and wanting the greatest of healing, self-discovery and awakening.